Thanks for inviting Barry Maher to appear on "South Nowhere This Morning." He'll be at the studio by 5 a.m. Aug. 27. Here's the info you requested. Your host won't read it, of course. Still, we're happy to send it now, and once again on the day before Barry's appearance, when no one there at the station will be able to locate any of it.

WARNING: In the unlikely event that any of your staff does any research on Barry, they may encounter him describing himself as "the product of four years at the University of Notre Dame, an hour and a half in the graduate journalism program at U.C. Berkeley and five totally befuddled weeks at Burger King's Whopper College." For whatever reason, Barry thinks this is screamingly funny — I suspect brain damage. Under no circumstances should that description be repeated around your South Nowhere Today host.

Some hosts hear Notre Dame and the entire interview turns to football. Some hosts hear Berkeley and the interview is all drugs and/or politics. Most hosts hear Burger King and we get a 20-minute discussion on the relative merits of Whoppers and Big Macs. If any of that sounds like compelling TV to you, I would suggest you abandon your dream of someday producing "The Today Show" and consider a career in the exciting, fast-paced world of dental assisting.

Attached is a copy of the cover to Barry's current supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon," the book Barry will be crawling out of bed before dawn to plug on South Nowhere This Morning. That isn't a misprint. "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon is the title of the book." And no, we can't change it before Barry's appearance.

A question about that title is included in the attached suggested questions sheet. Still, this is one question even an early morning show host should be able to come up with on their own. Barry will also have a large print/small words copy of the suggested questions with him, which he'll place on the desk in front of the host just before the interview. In all likelihood, the host will ignore it, while asking if Barry thinks a novel based on the life of the host of a rural early morning TV show would be a blockbuster bestseller with extraordinary movie potential.

Barry's headshot is also attached, though since he'll have his actual face with him, TV stations seldom bother keeping track of it. TIP: You may want to consider shooting the headshot for at least some of Barry's appearance. It's better looking than Barry, and probably better dressed than he'll be at 5 a.m. for a show with a probable viewership of nobody that's fully awake.

The headshot also serves as a handy visual when the building's left locked, those in the studio can't hear Barry pounding on the door, and he ends up doing the interview as a call-in.

His standard intro is also attached. It includes the names of several national TV shows he's been on that you may consider competitors, though the people on those shows have never heard of "South Nowhere This Morning" or, in all likelihood, of South Nowhere. Please don't feel bad. Almost no one on any of those shows would remember who the hell Barry Maher is, either. We drag out those names simply to imply that he's not some local political wannabe or the fourth-place finisher in the Future Farmers of America's giant cauliflower growing contest. We're hoping viewers will figure there's an outside chance he could be mildly interesting. Fortunately, viewer expectations at that hour are minimal.

The intro also mentions "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon" since local hosts frequently don't, leaving both viewers and the guest wondering why he's even there. Lastly, yes, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon is the title of Barry's current book."

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon on Amazon. Sign up for his Substack at www.barrymaher.com.

To find out more about Barry Maher and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Gabriel Avalos at Unsplash